18 May 2009

The NHL Dictionary

[Explanatory note: Another semi-irregular feature of mine from NHL Connect - not involving stats! This entry is the full collection, scavenged from my own work and a few (much worse) offerings from fellow contributors - with credits, obviously...]

Looking for highbrow hockey entertainment?

Then you're probably in the wrong place. Inspired by this, I thought I would work on some NHL entries (your average ESPN writer not knowing what the NHL is).

The concept - take any word or phrase from the dictionary, add/subtract/change one letter, supply new definition.

Result - literally minutes of fun and lots of angry Pens fans with no sense of humour.

Anthem zinger - witty, one-syllable retort to rendition of "Star Spangled Banner" in Montreal

Antonement – an act of penance for one’s sins consisting of stepping in the way of really fast moving hard rubber objects [courtesy of JonathanA]

Ballard - wild duck, as in manoeuvre performed by goalies in Florida to avoid stick-swinging team-mates

- irritating and annoying (particularly to counterpart in Edmonton)

Boman Empire - extremely powerful and successful dynasty at its strongest in the 1970s to 1990s, led by sometimes fearsome ruler, its domain stretching into Quebec, western New York, Pennsylvania and Michigan

Bongoing - used to describe continuous, uninterrupted and tireless nature of Russian fighting technique due to complete lack of violence involved

Boogey - to sign for something higher than it was supposed to take, typically achieved while on golf course

Brash landing - to fall to earth under abnormal circumstances, often after an illegally violent collision, in such a way that damage is unavoidable

Brind’Amourn – to grieve over the slow death of an NHL career

Broad Street Pullies - simple machinery designed to raise Stanley Cup banners in Philadelphia, now obsolete

Brutherhood - organisation or fraternity displaying loyalty to its members through frequent reunions

Carbo dating - determination of the approximate lifespan of French-Canadian coaches through tests of chemistry

Carcilogen - dangerous substance or agent that tends to cause invasive and destructive disease

Carnivoros - characterised by destructive or predatory behaviour, exhibited by players having the fortune to face the Rangers' #34 in a fight

Chelicopter - machine developed in the early 20th century featuring dangerous swirling blades

Cherry ticker - intangible quality known as "heart" exclusive to players from Ontario and Western Canada, enabling them to reach heights not attainable by those from elsewhere

Common zdenominator - a trait or characteristic shared by all members of a group, e.g. all NHL defensemen being 6'9" Slovakians with 105mph slapshots

Crosby Show - the most-watched television show on Sunday afternoons on NBC [courtesy of JonathanA]

Defense corpse - expired blueline component that is no longer viable or useful other than to open and close doors in Detroit

Demonsterate - to present by experiments, examples or practical application that a terrible defense does not help the statistics of Swedish rookie goalies

Diss-Seminate - to spread criticism of league golden-boy to a lot of people (and to subsequently blame on mis-translation)

Don Voyage – phrase used to wish Europe-bound players a pleasant journey [courtesy of Ellie]

DPleted - 15-year long shortfall in goaltending resources caused by repeated injury

First round daft pick - annual selection of top amateur prospect by the New York Rangers

- lower part of Slovakian's body, frequently broken

Get the prong end of the stick - to not understand a situation correctly, typically a mistaken sense of entitlement to possession of puck or proximity to goal, with painful consequences

Habscess - painful swelling of All-Star ballot boxes

Hall of Flame - corridor outside Mike Keenan's office where star players wait before being told exactly how great they really are

Honky Bonk - lower-class bar of ill-repute with Czech theme found exclusively in Nashville, TN

- someone taken prisoner by an enemy, possibly lured in by lucrative one-year contract

Hull something over - to think carefully about something for a few seconds before offering an opinion

Hulloween - popular Midwestern holiday during which children wear blond wigs and ride invisible jets through the neighborhood [courtesy of spain2323]

Iggyback - to carry Western Canadian franchise on the shoulders

Inaugeration - formal induction of a player in the official bad books of all NHL officials

Kab fare - the cost of being taken for a ride by a driver who provides endless running commentary, promising to take you away from your current location but ending up going round in circles

Kane - used to provide support and mobility to older people

Kazakh-tan - browning of Eastern Conference goalies’ necks caused by repeated exposure to red light turned on by #80

- years of life typically involving frequent arguments with authority figure

Kessellation - identical pieces fitting together exactly, e.g. the 2nd overall pick in 2010 fitting together with the 2nd overall pick in 2011 in a future line-up

Kovenant - a formal agreement of only temporary legal validity

Lemonwade - sold to make money in the summer months; often leaves sour taste in mouth

Locker doom - the sense of abject misery felt by a player who takes a penalty in the fourth OT, dropping his team from the playoffs [courtesy of sportsfanattic]

Loudicrousness - unreasonable and ridiculous activity, such as firing coaches 10 minutes before the playoffs start

Lowe expectations – the willingness to pay people quite a lot of money to do very little [courtesy of JonathanA]

Make It Steven - media campaign instigated by Jim Balsillie, designed to promote the repatriation of Mr Stamkos to southern Ontario from the hands of evil sun-belt franchise

- a person who is not satisfied with the way things are, so flees the country for better paid job elsewhere

Manificent - having a quality of near godlike proportions when applied to the facial hair of certain members of the National Hockey League [courtesy of Thorn058]

Mannyquin - life-size but statuesque representation of the human body used to display clothing in Peoria, IL

Maragolds – to protect, a barrier; will disintegrate in Lemonwade [courtesy of Ellie]

Maximeize - to increase to the greatest possible amount or degree Penguins' fans blind, devoted enmity towards an opposing player

Mexpansion - secret NHL plan to create a new team outside the southern American border well before it ever the hell considers one outside the northern one

Missing In Zaction - All-Star player whose status is unknown due to covert nature of his organisation

Neutral Zone Crap - in-game bathroom break favoured by spectators when New Jersey or Minnesota hold a 1-0 lead

Nyetminder – goaltender forced into KHL exile due to negative responses from NHL GMs (see Emery, R., Grahame, J.)

Oiler room - busy centre of activity, often selling questionable goods using unfair, dishonest sales tactics (see Poti, Tom)

Ollipop – suck it and see acquisition [courtesy of Ellie]

Orrdained - staged fight in New York Rangers game

Out of tocket - having suffered a financial loss through poor gambling advice

Over-rayte – an optical illusion in which persons of dubious skill are seen to be star players, often attributed to their dazzling, colourful plumage [courtesy of JonathanA]

Ovierreaction - 1. Player reacting to a goal with inappropriate emotional behaviour; 2. Media personality reacting with inappropriate emotional behaviour to someone reacting to a goal

Ozone player - forward with tendency to eschew backchecking; now severely depleted through overuse of CFCs (control-freak coaches)

Panger management - a system of psychological therapeutic techniques and exercises by which former NHL executive with excessive or uncontrollable anger can be controlled by his diminutive and bald fellow NBC analyst during intermission segments

Payn threshold - the upper limit of John Davidson's tolerance for Andy Murray's coaching

Penalty minuets - guys who drop the gloves but don’t really want to fight [courtesy of john_mcgourty]

Potivate - to stimulate towards positive action through repeated booing and abuse

Pred Herring - idea or subject introduced by NHL commissioner in deliberate attempt to divert attention away from struggling franchises

Powderplay - (e.g. Rangers) man-advantage setup, seemingly solid but consisting of small pieces, as a whole soft and easy to push around

Reddline - to discriminate against by refusing to make significant financial commitment to, as practiced by 29 NHL GMs

Redd line - stationary marker on a hockey rink, not featuring in the offensive and defensive zones

Ronvict – imprisoned in repetitive anti-Euro dialogue [courtesy of Ellie]

Salei of the Century - game show featuring Ken Holland's ongoing attempts to construct a defense pairing with a combined age under 100

- the study of numbers, such as counting to 56.7 million as quickly and inefficiently as possible

Seven-year Hitch - revitalising liaison with person (often a large male) prompted by dissatisfaction with long, fruitless relationship with the golf course

Shark back - to reminisce about a previous point in time, often in a way that annoys people (see Lemieux, C.)

Sheroism – courageous action, such as replacing Marian Hossa with Ruslan Fedotenko

Sidnight - slang term describing the 12 o'clock position frequently adopted by referees' arms in Pittsburgh

Sno-brainer - anything requiring little thought or effort, such as deciding who to pick #1 overall in the 2009 Draft

Staaled – brought to a standstill or to have progress checked, e.g. failing to live up to career year in sophomore season

Sundecided - when a decision or judgement has not yet been made (e.g. if to play, where, when and for how much)

Sutter somebody up - to be surly or unfriendly to someone, so that they will do what you want them to do

Tamparing - making damaging changes to something which you should not, usually without enough knowledge of how it works

Thrash can - repository for disposal of the unwanted waste of NHL teams

Tortify - to cause to experience shame or humiliation of a person by compelling them to sit alone on a bench for long periods

Twinkle Toews - nickname given to one who is light on his feet and able to easily flit to and fro without impediment [courtesy of spain2323]

Unsavery - unpleasant or morally offensive (e.g. making derogatory comments about ex-girlfriends)

Vinnuendo - a remote allusion or reference to "equipment" of Tampa Bay captain

War broom - implement used by NHL Hockey Operations department to sweep controversy under the carpet

Ysermon - exhortation on seemingly trivial issue, such as minor league trade or signing of free agent fourth-line grinder, delivered by higher power and re-told by enraptured Canadian media

1 comment: