Stanley Cup Final 2011: A Viewer's Guide

So your team has (yet again) not made it as far as the Stanley Cup Final? So jaded by the long grind of playoff hockey that you can't summon the energy to write an intro different to the one you used last year?

If you have nothing better to do, why not use my viewer's guide? Score along at home during the series and if you break 30 points, a multi-million dollar prize will head your way. At least that's what Chris Drury and Shawn Horcoff told me...

(I accept no responsibility for the consequences if you instead turn this into a drinking game. Watching a few playoff games is no excuse for drunken debauchery. At least that's what the Montreal Police Department told me...)

• Man in garish, fluorescent green outfit performing tired, attention-seeking act next to road team penalty box during game (2 pts)

• Man in garish, fluorescent green outfit performing tired, attention-seeking act next to Ron MacLean during Coach's Corner segment (1 pt)

• Versus or NBC displaying on-screen graphic to illustrate where Canada is (5 pts)

• Versus or NBC displaying on-screen graphic to illustrate where Sidney Crosby is (10 pts)

• Denis Leary dropping F-bomb accidentally-on-purpose during mid-game interview with rink-side reporter (6 pts)

• Mike Emrick failing to mention which US college was attended by Ryan Kesler, Jeff Tambellini, Chris Higgins, Rich Peverley, Tim Thomas, the goal judge, his hotel receptionist etc... (8 million pts)

• Eddie Olczyk's forced chuckle (2 pts)

• "Good active stick" (-5 pts)

• Jeremy Roenick clearly articulating a thoughtful, rational point during post-game coverage (100 pts)

• Jeremy Roenick scribbling "JR needs a wee wee" using his virtual crayons during post-game coverage (40 pts)

• Each CBC shot of Bruins President of Looking Angry in Executive Boxes, Cam Neely (1 pt) 

• Each CBC shot of Maple Leafs President of Looking Angry in Executive Boxes Even Though My Team Isn't Taking Part, Brian Burke (0.1 pts)

• Tom Brady watching the game while holding a goat (7 pts)

• Funny looking bald guy shouting and getting up close to Bruins players during timeout (10 pts)

• Claude Julien struggling to muscle past Pierre McGuire and/or Darren Pang to diagram a play for Bruins players during timeout (20 pts)

Coach Julien is not usually happy to be interviewed during the game

• Adrien Plavsic (0 pts)

• Jim Hughson or Mike Emrick calling the winning goal in OT to clinch the 2011 Stanley Cup (1 pt)

• Jim Hughson or Mike Emrick finally calling the winning goal in OT to clinch the 2010 Stanley Cup (88 pts)

• Andrew Ference raising the Cup over his head in triumph (5 pts)

• Andrew Ference lowering his pants around his ankles in triumph (15 pts)

• After the final game, Mark Recchi immediately bringing the end to a long, dinstinguished career, by announcing the retirement of the patch of hair above his forehead (43 pts)