Burning Questions - Western Conference

Following from my recent Eastern Conference run-down (HERE), yet more smouldering queries, this time (shockingly) covering the Western Conference:

Anaheim Ducks

Which writer will first produce an article featuring the Ducks and Bob Murray without using the phrase "retooling on the fly"?

Calgary Flames

Will controversy ensue if/when Darryl Sutter's wife beats out Curtis McElhinney for the backup goalie position?

Chicago Blackhawks

If the Hawks reach the Stanley Cup Final, are they allowed to trade Marian Hossa to their opponents before it starts?

Colorado Avalanche

How many months will pass until Greg Sherman and Joe Sacco can get into Pepsi Center without having to convince the security staff that they really do work there?

Columbus Blue Jackets

Is it some strange Canadian thing that makes all announcers say Monsieur Vermette's first name as "Ann-twon" rather than "Onn-twan"?

Dallas Stars

How long until Sean Avery isn't the sole reason for every game the team loses?

Detroit Red Wings

Has Ken Holland already scouted the foetuses that will be the future team-mates of Zetterberg and Franzén when they hit the final year of their new deals?

Edmonton Oilers

Will the Renney/Quinn good cop/bad cop routine eventually lead their players to break down and confess that none of them want to play in Edmonton either?

Los Angeles Kings

Can Quick and Brown lead the Kings out of their dire era?

Minnesota Wild

Will Don Cherry realise before either retires than Owen Nolan isn't called "Olin Nolan"?

Nashville Predators

Is Alexander Radulov determined to stay in Ufa until he becomes an UFA?

Phoenix Coyotes

Can Jim Balsillie fill the chasm felt by so many Canadian fans by bringing a third non-playoff team to Ontario?

San Jose Sharks

Did Doug Wilson put an appropriate degree of fear into his players by suggesting that Dany Heatley would "give the whole team a lift"?

St. Louis Blues

With a T.J., a B.J. and a D.J. on the depth chart, is a trade for Umberger in the works, or will the Blues entice Axelsson or Stock back to the NHL?

Vancouver Canucks

Will an irreparable hole be torn in the space-time continuum if the Sedins ever have career scoring totals more than two points apart at any time?

Burning Questions - Eastern Conference

So, it seems like the done thing is for your average NHL writer/columnist to do some sort of "Burning Questions for the 30 NHL Teams" feature (example HERE).

These things rarely ask the questions that I would be asking, were I to be to sitting at home posing rhetorical NHL questions to myself. So, here goes for the Eastern Conference (the West will follow if I feel like it):

Atlanta Thrashers

When will somebody notice that Don Waddell still has a job?

Boston Bruins

Will the Bruins miss Zdeno Chara while he recovers from injuries sustained when hitting his head on the scoreboard during an off-season tour of the Dallas Cowboys' new stadium?

Buffalo Sabres

Is this the year Tim Connolly reaches the landmark of 20 career NHL games?

Carolina Hurricanes

Will Jim Rutherford ever move on?

Florida Panthers

Will somebody actually paying to attend a Panthers game be the first sign of a turnaround in the global economy?

Montreal Canadiens

Will the annual team bonding trip to Disney World be ruined when half the players are not allowed to go on the rides?

New Jersey Devils

Will Newark's infrastructure cope with the impending stampede of hockey fans desperate to catch a glimpse of the second coming of Lemaire's Devils?

New York Islanders

Is Marty Biron the backup goalie or the backup GM?

New York Rangers

What will snap first: Avery's leash, Gaborik's groin or Tortorella's patience?

Ottawa Senators

Have they cleared enough cap space to take Wade Redden back yet?

Philadelphia Flyers

As both a cheap, stop-gap goalie and a violent nut-job, is Ray Emery the ultimate Flyer?

Pittsburgh Penguins

Has Sid still living in Mario's house yet crossed the line that separates "slightly creepy" from "moderately disturbing"?

Tampa Bay Lightning

Can the signing of 23 new defensemen possibly come close to replacing the mammoth contribution of Marek Malik?

Toronto Maple Leafs

Will Brian Burke and Ron Wilson ever manage to overcome their chronic shyness in front of the media?

Washington Capitals

What will be greater in number: Alex Ovechkin goals or Semyon Varlamov name changes?

A-to-Z of the NHL off-season

Arbitration

Formal process whereby NHL GMs (agents) tear down (inflate) the performances of a player in front of an independent adjudicator, in order to determine whether said player will be horrendously overpaid or merely generously overpaid for the coming season. Noted humanitarian Mike Milbury famously reduced then-Islanders goalie Tommy Salo to tears at his arbitration hearing - an emotion also induced for many thousands of Islander fans in subsequent years.

Brian Burke

A one-man attempt to liven up the dead period that is the Maple Leafs since 1967...er, I mean the dead period that is the NHL off-season. His bold attempts to (a) draft John Tavares, (b) draft Brayden Schenn, (c) sign Colton Orr to a contract worth less than $4m and (d) pass a microphone without comment, over the last couple of months all ended in glorious but entertaining failure. For that, bored and restless NHL fans of all allegiances are thankful.

Cricket

English summer game (with parallels to baseball with much lower steroid use and even more incompetent administration). Absolutely no connection to the NHL other than it being the main focus of my sporting attention in the absence of hockey and football, plus the regular appearances of Washington Capitals defenseman Milan Jurčina as an umpire at village games in Gloucestershire.

Draft

I could write almost 3,000 words about the NHL Entry Draft. Oh wait, I did...(HERE)

Exit interview

I don't know if NHL teams carry these out when players/coaches/GMs leave or not, but some of the conversations could be interesting:

• "What are your primary reasons for leaving?"
  Scott Gomez: "Mostly the $51.5m."

• "Were there any company policies or procedures that made your work more difficult?"
  Tony Granato: "I'd say a pretty poor roster, my best players being injured and you openly trying to hire my replacement before firing me for the second time."

• "What did you find most frustrating about your job"
  Brent Sutter: "I missed my family. Specifically, my brother Darryl."
  

Free Agent Frenzy

The natural counterpart to Trade Deadline Trauma. Both feature hastily conceived player transactions, ranging from the inspired (rarely) to the disastrous (more plentiful - hello, Glen Sather), allied to hours upon hours of TV coverage of men in suits playing with their Blackberries. Whereas TDT starts as an often soporific affair, gradually warming up to the deadline climax and the near instant gratification of seeing the players in action within days, FAF starts with a bang ("No, Mr Ohlund, we are not permitted to present you with this complicated legal document prior to noon EST. I'm sure you can read, consider and sign it within 15 minutes, though.") and fades away over a day or two until the point where the signing of Andrew Alberts becomes the biggest news of the week.

Golf

Revealed to be the favourite off-season pursuit of NHLers in a recent survey, with 99.78% of players saying they were keen golfers (Sean Avery being the lone exception - he would apparently love to play, but wearing the clothing would be "an unthinkable humiliation"). Members of the Florida Panthers and Phoenix Coyotes are said to be particularly good exponents of the sport, due to both their teams' locations and the extra two months' practice available to them each year. The recent exploits of Tom Watson at the Open Championship are also credited with the publicised desire of Chris Chelios to now play in the NHL well into his eighties.

Heatley saga

Dany likes Bryan. Bryan likes Dany. They agree to be together for a long time. Bryan employs Cory. Dany doesn't like Cory, so Dany wants to leave Bryan. Dany tells everyone he wants to leave Bryan before he tells Bryan. Bryan no longer likes Dany. Bryan sets up Dany with his friend Steve who's very keen on Dany. Dany flirts with Steve, but at the last minute, Dany gets cold feet and stays with Bryan while still wanting to leave Bryan. Dany and Bryan's boss Eugene isn't happy that he still has to pay Dany while he's around. Some of Bryan's other friends (including Glen, who's interested in everybody) are kind of interested in Dany, but Bryan and Eugene don't want to give Dany up so easily. Dany, Bryan and Eugene stay unhappy. For now.

Ivan Hlinka Memorial Tournament

If you're going to watch an U-18 international hockey tournament held in August in the towns of Hodonín and Piešťany, most hockey observers reckon it should be this one. So named following the death in 2001 of any hope of Europeans being taken seriously as candidates for NHL head coaching positions.

Judge Redfield T. Baum

Owner of a spectacularly good name, Judge RTB is one of the key players in this summer's headline event: Who should own the Coyotes and where should they play? (Otherwise known as Bettman vs The Entire Nation of Canada or The Rules vs Balsillie's Bottomless Pit of Cash/Ego.) Solely responsible for the 548% increase in applications to study bankruptcy law at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario.

KHL

Sergei Zubov? да! Jaromir Jágr? да! Jiří Hudler? да! Alexander Radulov? да! Friendly cooperation with Gary Bettman and the NHL? нет!

Late night habits

No, not a reference to the nocturnal activities of players in their time off (see the next entry for that), but the phenomenon of European NHL fans regularly staying up past 2am even when they have no reason to, just because they've screwed their body clocks up so much over the rest of the year.

Mischief and misdemeanours

Although reports concerning the off-season pursuits of NHLers generally appear to contain far fewer references to dead bodies, dog fights, strippers, firearms and egomaniacal self-publicising (or any combination thereof) than those of their NFL and NBA brethren, the relative freedom afforded to players while outside the clutches of a tightly-knit group of team-mates and a disciplined coaching staff does lead to the odd minor scrape with justice on occasion. The under-age Staal brothers and a "lively" bachelor party, Peter Worrell kicking a police car window (18 months before dreaming up his ingenious plan of telling the cops he was the slightly whiter and slightly shorter Andreas Lilja when arrested) and now the multi-millionaire Patrick Kane allegedly going postal on a cab driver over 20 cents - all part of the rich tapestry of NHL off-season life...

Neck and neck

The off-season has surely been one of the favourite points of the entire year for fans (both of them) in Long Island, Phoenix, Atlanta and Florida in recent years - when else can they say that their teams have in a tie for a playoff place for three straight months?

Offer sheet

Legitimate team-construction tool permitted by the CBA or nefarious tactic under-used by colluding group of GMs unwilling to upset or risk ridicule by Brian Burke?

Press conference

While falling some way short of the fanaticism/idiocy of some European football fans when faced with the unveiling of a new player (see HERE), the appearance of that newly-signed injury-riddled winger or traded-for violent goofball defenseman in your team's jersey for the first time brings only hope and joy to the NHL fan. Even if the player and/or GM normally treat the media with undisguised misery and contempt during the season, it's usually all smiles at the off-season press conference - good humour that can dissipate extremely quickly on all sides as the player is exposed to be an overpaid, disinterested bum two or three weeks into the new season.

Qualifying offer sheet

Standard piece of documentation (check page 302 of the NHL Collective Bargaining Agreement for a thrilling look at what it should look like) necessary to ensure clubs preserve their rights to compensation in respect of their restricted free agent players. Apparently can get held up in the mail in the Chicago area - should always be marked "Private and Confidential". Dale Tallon came to regret offering the chance for Denis Savard to stay on as a "special ambassador" in the post room after canning him as coach.

Rookie camp

Annual team ritual where first-year NHL players are compelled to attend team meal and/or board charter flight while wearing the most flamboyant women's clothing to be found. An idea thought to have originated around the time of Sean Avery's first pre-season scrimmage with the Red Wings.

Stanley Cup tour

Of course, the concept of spending a day with the Cup is pretty good and a well-deserved reward, and many players do worthy things when it's their turn. But I'm short on fascination with what Pascal Dupuis or Mike Zigomanis might have done unless they can top Kris Draper's daughter defecating in the thing. Come on guys, the bar was raised! Of course, if Sidney Crosby is anywhere near the Cup, I want to read every last detail of the entire day, however mundane or saccharine. What do you mean he got two days?

TSN.ca

If you keep revisiting enough times (four, five times a day...) throughout late July and early August, you too will be among the first to learn about exactly which undrafted college free-agent forwards the Senators have signed to minor league contracts. Anything less frequent than that - you call yourself a fan?

Unlikely comebacks

No off-season seems to go by any more without reading about a veteran player trying to make an unlikely/miraculous return to a once All-Star calibre career after an absence of several years, often in the face of a mountain of scepticism and scrutiny. Claude Lemieux, Theo Fleury, Wade Redden...who will be next?

Vegas

The transplant of the NHL awards show to Sin City was a brave, attention-seeking move. I, for one, can't think of another place where attracting contemporary superstar artists like Chaka Khan and finding out Jeremy Roenick's eloquence doesn't automatically translate to the ability to read an autocue could've been possible.

Workouts
Seemingly gone are the days when NHLers returned home to paint the barn or help out on the farm to prepare for the grind of the new season. Instead, players just have enough time to take a quick vacation and play some golf (or to combine the two) before commencing gruelling off-season workouts, often via attendance at a boot camp/Californian retreat run by a sadist, ex-military infomercial star with some distant connection to Chris Chelios. Optional for Kyle Wellwood.

Xenophobia
While certainly a year-round activity for some of its more enlightened practitioners, extra cheer is always brought to the anti-Euro crew in the summer months by any non-Canadian returning home ("back where they belong") to play for whatever reason.

Yawning
Common reflex among NHL fans during the period between June and October. Largely maintained as a local phenomenon in the state of New Jersey between October and June as well.

Zherdev
(It was this or Zamboni...) A reasonably amusing interview with the newly-free Ukrainian enigma (from prior to his recent arbitration hearing) can be found HERE. "I didn't hear any specific reprimands in his address" is probably a fair summary of Torts' placid coaching style and a view shared by scores of players in Tampa Bay and New York, right?

Is there a draft in here?

A “not-really live” live blog of the 2009 NHL Entry Draft from Montréal, Quebec

This is the second of a possibly irregular series of low-grade scribbles formed as I watch something on TV. Tonight’s effort covers me covering ESPN America’s coverage of the Versus coverage of TSN’s coverage of the festivities of the first round of Le Repêchage 2009 de la LNH.

The opening features a shot of an Islanders fan holding a sign including the phrase “In Garth We Trust” – let’s hope the rest of the evening is as amusingly entertaining as that…Next is an over-dramatic montage of John Tavares, Victor Hedman and Matt Duchene, replete with over-dramatic voice-over by someone trying to sound like the guy who voices film trailers…Did the likes of Dave Chyzowski and Patrik Stefan get the same treatment in years past?…TSN host James Duthie welcomes viewers across Canada and the US…Hey, what about us gutless Euro pukes?!

Duthie quickly throws it down to “Hockey Insider” and general blowhard, Darren Dreger, a man whose every sentence includes news about his “multiple sauces” telling him something…Only me who has images of him whispering to ketchup bottles then?…Anyway, the breaking news is that Chris Pronger has apparently been traded to the Flyers, with details TBC

Even bigger news emerges – TSN have miked up Toronto GM and general blowhard, Brian Burke for the evening…I suspect Burke is too intelligent to give much away, so I doubt we can believe a word he’s saying, but interesting nonetheless…Hopefully, at some point we’ll see a clandestine discussion ending up with a distressed Kevin Lowe sprinting to the podium to announce: “He’s wearing a wire! Shoot him!”

A brief interview with The Big Three doesn’t reveal much…Hedman is tall, none of them know who is going #1 (would they say anything else?)…We go to a shot of Nassau Coliseum – it’s full of people! Is there a garage sale on? An “I was traded away by Mike Milbury and became an All-Star” reunion? A rare sight indeed…We “go upstairs” to join co-host (Sub-host? Vice-host?) Gord Miller, who’s alongside Bob McKenzie and fans’ favourite, Mr Ubiquity Pierre McGuire…P-Mac confidently states/shouts that Tavares should be #1

Boos ring out across Centre Bell – that can only mean the commish has appeared!…Bettman is flanked by Habs greats Yvon Cournoyer and Henri Richard, a human shield of sorts…Bettman manages a smattering of French (horrible accent, even to my untrained ear) and welcomes all the many viewers/listeners, once again failing to acknowledge anybody in Europe

#1 – New York Islanders select John Tavares (London Knights – OHL)
After managing little more than “Bonjour” for the home fans, Garth Snow ushers some Islander lackey (might even be one of their players – who knows?) forward to do the French bit…Snow then ends the suspense by picking Tavares…I await the news from Dreger that Tavares has been traded along with Josh Bailey, Kyle Okposo and a first rounder in 2010 for an Alexei Yashin hockey card (condition: fair) and a signed Oleg Kvasha jersey…Tavares shakes the hand of owner Charles Wang…my lip-reading might have failed me, but I’m sure the words “45-year contract” were part of the exchange

More details of the Pronger deal emerge – going to the Ducks are ex-Duck Joffrey Lupul, Luca Sbisa and two first round picks…seems like a pretty fair deal on the face of it…Prior to the next pick, Bettman is seen having a quiet word with the Tampa Bay Lightning brain-trust…Something along the lines of “Play nice, boys” perhaps?

#2 – Tampa Bay Lightning select Victor Hedman (MODO – Sweden)
About the only negative thing anyone ever seems to say about Hedman is that he is “not as mean as Pronger” – yeah, but who is?…Duthie diplomatically asks Hedman if he is OK with joining “a team with serious defensive issues”…Hedman diplomatically says he’s OK with it

Back to the floor, as we hear from Brian Burke for the first time…he mentions to Bob Gainey that he’d heard rumours that Vinny Lecavalier was going to be moving to either the Habs or the Isles…Gainey does nothing more than roll his eyes and grunt…classic Burke sh*t-stirring or valuable insight?…a chance for Bettman to hear positive sounds from the crowd: “We have a trade to announce”…he merely fleshes out the Pronger trade – the Flyers also managed to pry out a Ryan Dingle from the Ducks with a conditional pick going the other way…Bettman says “Jeffrey” Lupul – oh dear

#3 – Colorado Avalanche select Matt Duchene (Brampton Battalion – OHL)
Some intern steps up for the Avs..oh, hang on, that’s actually new GM Greg Sherman…after a few words of truly awful French (at least he tried it himself), Sherman predictably goes for Duchene…in his interview with Duthie, Duchene is revealed to be a “stick savant”, reeling off the stick preferences of a few of his future Avs team-mates without a moment’s hesitation

#4 – Atlanta Thrashers select Evander Kane (Vancouver Giants – WHL)
No attempt at French at all from GM Don “still in a job” Waddell…Fascinating Fact: Kane was revealed to have only 7% body fat at the NHL Combine…a weekend on the poutine might have changed that though

#5 – Los Angeles Kings select Brayden Schenn (Brandon Wheat Kings – WHL)
Dean Lombardi and his translator keep everyone guessing by offering a touching 25-minute bilingual tribute to impending Hall of Fame inductee Luc Robitaille…Eventually, the Kings get round to selecting Schenn…an amusing cut-away to Brian Burke shows him barely suppressing a scowl and shaking his head…I suspect the censors might prevent us hearing his immediate thoughts

TRADE: Dreger informs us that the Blue Jackets and Isles have exchanged first round picks, so the Fishsticks will now pick at #16 rather than #26…he also says that Burke is waiting for some movement in the Jay Bouwmeester sweepstakes before committing to anything

#6 – Phoenix Coyotes/Hamilton Hijackers select Oliver Ekman-Larsson (Leksands – Sweden)
After a cheap plug for the sponsors of the Coyotes draft party (money issues in Phoenix?) and no French at all, the Coyotes pick the first of the hyphenated Swedes…P-Mac is officially “not shocked” by the selection

#7 – Toronto Maple Leafs select Nazem Kadri (London Knights – OHL)
Loud boos for the popular Mr Burke – Bettman suddenly feels a bit better…Burke completely eschews the standard thanking of the host team and city (unless the TV coverage just missed it) and picks Kadri…Bryan Murray is officially “pissed off” by the selection…We hear a brief conversation between Burke and Murray from prior to the pick…Paraphrasing slightly, Burke said: “You want Kadri? We’re taking him. Eff you.”…When interviewed, Burke drops the highly-plausible line “My ego isn’t that big”…Sure, Burkie, sure

#8 – Dallas Stars select Scott Glennie (Brandon Wheat Kings – WHL)
No pre-pick spiel at all from the Stars…they spring a minor surprise in picking Glennie…Upstairs, B-Mac suggests that Dmitry Kulikov might be “a slider” due to his Russian-ness…Personally, I’d be happy if he slid all the way to #19

Another brief interview, this time with Ryan Ellis…nothing memorable, except for the fact that he looks about 8 years old

#9 – Ottawa Senators select Jared Cowen (Spokane Chiefs – WHL)
Very little in the way of platitudes from the Senators either…Have Bettman and the networks suggested that everyone speeds things up a bit?…They pick Cowen, who might have fallen a bit over concerns about a major knee injury…Murray tells Duthie that he’s not expecting anything to happen with Dany Heatley tonight

#10 – Edmonton Oilers select Magnus Pääjärvi-Svensson (Timrå – Sweden)
The second hyphenated Swede is picked…after a brief flirtation with Svensson-Pääjärvi, apparently everyone has settled on this form of his excellent name…no doubt all NHL announcers will just call him Svensson or Pääjärvi about 10 seconds into his NHL career (Don Cherry, of course, will call him “Puhjovski-Sandstorm” or simply “Lidstrom”)…the Oilers sweater he dons merely says Paajarvi (no umlaut things)…Fascinating Fact: M P-S has his own website – check out www.paajarvi.com

#11 – Nashville Predators select Ryan Ellis (Windsor Spitfires – OHL)
The Preds seemingly continue to build on their formidable collection of blueliners by picking the man-child Ellis…he’s said to have the hardest slapshot in the draft, despite his small frame…training camp contest with Shea Weber?

TRADE: Bettman enjoys the cheers again as he announces that the Islanders have traded up again, taking the Wild’s #12 pick for #16 and a few later round picks

#12 – New York Islanders select Calvin de Haan (Oshawa Generals – OHL)
A bit of a strange move – de Haan was ranked as a late first rounder, so why trade up here to get him?…after his effusive praise of the Isles for turning things around by picking Tavares, first signs of disappointment/shock from P-Mac after this selection, as he calls it “off the board”

Duthie crams in a brief phone conversation with the hated Pronger of the hated Flyers…he is “looking forward to it” apparently…Is your wife looking forward to it though, Chris?…In the stands, we hear a few forgettable words from TSN employee Chicken Parm and draft-eligible Chicken Parm Jr

#13 – Buffalo Sabres select Zack Kassian (Peterborough Petes – OHL)
The midget Sabres pick the sizeable Kassian…a whole three seconds elapse before the first Milan Lucic reference from P-Mac…Kassian is said to be “legit tough”

Back to the floor and a slightly desperate-sounding Dreger…an update on J-Bo (nothing going on)…the Panthers have “nothing on their table” – sounds a touch unfair, since everyone else seems to have drinks, a phone, a little revolving logo ornament…several teams are interested in acquiring impending RFA Ryane Clowe of the Sharks

#14 – Florida Panthers select Dmitry Kulikov (Drummondville Voltigeurs – QMJHL)
B-Mac’s #1 slider is taken…the usual KHL contract issues are discussed by the panel

Stop the press! A Glen Sather sighting!…He’s talking to Bryan Murray while eating his customary cigar…a potential major fleecing of the Rangers in a Heatley deal or just idle fishing chatter?

#15 – Anaheim Ducks select Peter Holland (Guelph Storm – OHL)
Holland picked slightly higher than his rankings, but there’s said to be little consensus after the top 10-12 picks…B-Mac asks “Will he get his nose dirty?”…Hmm, welcome to Anaheim!…Fascinating Fact: Holland has a collection of miniature Zambonis

#16 – Minnesota Wild select Nick Leddy (Eden Prairie – USHS)
P-Mac and B-Mac get fooled by this one – they suspected it would be a home-state pick, but were anticipating Jordan Schroeder…This year’s “Mr Hockey” is the first American selected

#17 – St. Louis Blues select David Rundblad (Skellefteå – Sweden)
Er, struggling for anything to say here…Swede #4 taken so far…Jarmo Kekäläinen is a great name

Cheers of anticipation as the Canadiens are up next…will it be the Quebecer Louis Leblanc or another American prospect for the Habs?…the suggestion of my TV guide that this finished at 2.30am looks a touch optimistic at this point…thanks, Dean Lombardi…Where is Burke? Can we expect audio of him going to the toilet? Ordering pizza? Swearing at Al Strachan?

#18 – Montréal Canadiens select Louis Leblanc (Omaha Lancers – USHL)
Quite a popular choice with the crowd it seems…a chant of “Louis” is heard before he even reaches the stage…no pressure on the poor kid then

#19 – New York Rangers select Chris Kreider (Andover Academy – USHS)
Cheers quickly turn to boos as the evil Rangers step forward…We see a flashback to the 2007 draft and the Rangers’ selection of the late Alexei Cherepanov and Gordie Clark pays a short tribute before picking Kreider…Sather respectfully discards the cigar for a moment, settling for some chewing gum instead while on the stage…Kreider is said to be the best skater in the draft, but always some risk in picking a high school player…the Rangers don’t have a baseball cap for Kreider to wear in the obligatory group photo for some reason

TRADE: The Devils trade up to #20 with the Flames moving down…P-Mac speculates that the Devils really wanted Kreider…such a shame for the Rangers to have disappointed Mr Lamoriello like that

#20 – New Jersey Devils select Jacob Josefson (Djurgården – Sweden)
A “good pick” according to P-Mac…Is there anyone in this draft that he doesn’t like?…Josefson is apparently a solid two-way player…no idea why the Devils are interested then…why are all the Swedes dark-haired?

TRADE: Burke is pictured on the phone shaking his head again…“No, I didn’t want goddamn anchovies!”…the Blue Jackets trade up to get #21 from the Ducks, with the #26 pick going the other way…#26 has now been in the possession of more teams than Mike Sillinger

#21 – Columbus Blue Jackets select John Moore (Chicago Steel – USHL)
“Nice job” says P-Mac (shocker)…Moore is due to go to college, but might be persuaded to play major junior with the Kitchener Rangers instead…I might follow this guy with some more interest then

#22 – Vancouver Canucks select Jordan Schroeder (Minnesota – WCHA)
The locally popular Roberto Luongo makes the pick on behalf of the Canucks…he manages to pronounce Schroeder’s name wrong…guess he’s confused after having faced Byfuglien and Toews in the playoffs…“a steal” according to P-Mac and B-Mac, who likely dropped due to concerns over his size (I thought the NHL was largely past this?)…GM Mike Gillis tells Duthie that he expects the Sedins to stay in B.C.

#23 – Calgary Flames select Tim Erixon (Skellefteå – Sweden)
Amazingly resisting the urge to draft someone miserable called Sutter, the Flames take son-of-a-Ranger Erixon…another “good one” says P-Mac…another non-blonde Swede…the ever-loquacious Darryl Sutter gives a disdainful yet highly-revealing interview to Duthie

Back to Burkie on the floor for a moment…slightly disheveled-looking, he is not impressed with the trading habits of his fellow GMs…always the smartest man in the room

#24 – Washington Capitals select Marcus Johansson (Färjestads – Sweden)
Dark-haired Swede #7 takes to the stage…Johansson and his family are shown to have landed the prestigious seating spot right by the Toilettes des Hommes

#25 – Boston Bruins select Jordan Caron (Rimouski Océanic – QMJHL)
“He plays better when the game gets ugly” according to P-Mac…Peter Chiarelli immediately puts out a call to Adam Foote, Derian Hatcher and Mike Ricci…Caron is wearing a yellow shirt – did he know who he was going to?

Dreger’s multiple sauces confirm that everyone is surprised by the lack of trade action…Gord Miller compares Dreger to Paris Hilton…something to do with the quantity of Twitter followers rather than any embarrassing videotapes of Dreger that may be out there

#26 – Anaheim Ducks select Kyle Palmieri (US NTDP)
Palmieri mistakes Bettman for a cloakroom attendant, passing him his jacket as he reaches the stage…the commish dutifully disappears to a backroom for a second (or more likely, throws it at Bill Daly)…Palmieri was kicked off the US U-18 squad for alleged teenage girl shenanigans…some scouts impressed by that apparently

#27 – Carolina Hurricanes select Philippe Paradis (Shawinigan Cataractes – QMJHL)
Nothing much to note here apart from Paradis’ ability to shoot the puck through a wall

#28 – Chicago Blackhawks select Dylan Olsen (Camrose Kodiaks – AJHL)
The great Scotty Bowman is invited forward to make the Hawks’ pick…he’s clutching a Post-It, suggesting the master will avoid a potentially embarrassing Clarke/Giroux scenario…Bowman somehow manages to congratulate Brett Hull, Steve Yzerman and Luc Robitaille for their Hall of Fame selections in both English and French while ignoring Brian Leetch entirely both times!…I’ve suddenly lost a lot of respect for Bowman…Get a larger Post-It next time, Scotty…Fascinating Fact: Olsen is the son of one-time British league player, Darryl Olsen

TRADE: The Lightning stop squabbling long enough to trade up a couple of places, getting #29 from the Red Wings…steam is visibly coming from Brian Burke’s ears

#29 – Tampa Bay Lightning select Carter Ashton (Lethbridge Hurricanes – WHL)
Len Barrie and Oren Koules are now not interested enough to make an appearance for this pick…controversially, P-Mac declares it “a very good selection”…Ashton follows convention and sends Bettman to the cloakroom again

As the camera focuses on Ray Shero at the Penguins’ table, Glen Sather is seen is the foreground, looking like he’s fallen asleep with his cigar in his mouth…Don’t choke Glen!

#30 – Pittsburgh Penguins select Simon Deprés (Saint John Sea Dogs – QMJHL)
A loud cheer as one of the biggest fallers of the first round hears his name called…at around 4am my time, the first round is finally over

Poetry slam? Try next door...

Neither my original idea nor exciting, fresh new content, but in order to:

1. Give the misleading impression that I'll regularly update this thing;
2. Give the even more misleading impression that I can write three things in a row without any numbers being involved;

I decided to root out my mixed bag of hockey-based haikus (probably not the plural of haiku, but let's run with it...) from a Connect posting a few months ago. [Originally the brainchild of ddyte.]

Next week: Origami with Chris Pronger

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Only one small thing
Desecrates Gretzky’s legend:
Well done, Nickelback

Donald S. Cherry
The acceptable face of
Xenophobia

If Mike Milbury
Had been hit with his own shoe
Would the Isles still stink?

Hull’s foot in the crease
Campbell’s puck over the glass
Scott Norwood wide right

Manny Legace
Tripped up by Palin’s carpet
Funny legacy

One – crosscheck in face
Two – maniac goalie fight
Sons of Patrick Roy

Atlanta-Nashville!
That sport Sidney Crosby plays!
Tonight on Versus!

Why use six letters
When you can use three extras?
Right, Dustin Buflin?

Polar ice-caps melt
Continental drift occurs
Mats Sundin decides

So if a tree falls
In the Prudential Center
Does it make a sound?

Stop, Mr Johnson!
Step away from the golf cart!
(Once it’s stopped moving)

If blue ain’t the paint
Not much use is the caboose
Of Mr Holmstrom

Goles son raros
Dinero abundante
Se llama Gómez

Evgeni Malkin
Alexander Ovechkin
Russians with a grudge

Old backup goalie?
Call now for top exec role!
1-800-WANG

What is it connects
Valabik’s thing, McLean’s face?
Sid’s fists of fury

Joe Beninati:
“And Semin plays the bongos”
Still cracks me up now

Rangers’ powerplay:
Pass. Pass. Pass. Shoot wide. Pass. Pass.
Shorthanded goal. S**t.

Where would Philly be
If the refs didn’t hate them?
Still in the same place

A View From The Couch

Wings-Hawks: Game 4

So, in a spur of the moment decision, I started to do one of these in-game blog things while watching the CBC coverage of the Wings-Hawks game today. Don't expect this to be a regular thing - far too much like hard work. Anyway, if you missed the game, hopefully it will make you feel like you were actually there. "There" being sat down in front of my TV in the UK...

Pre-game

Huge personal disappointment as it emerges Mike Milbury is not working for CBC today (bad luck NBC viewers)...P.J. Stock has been let out of his cupboard to join Kelly "Headband" Hrudey at the game...Jim Hughson (the best play-by-play man in the game, in my opinion) and Craig Simpson (meh) to call the game

The big news - no Lidström in the Wings line-up today, joining Datsyuk on the sidelines...is it the All-Star Game today or something?...Kris Draper also misses out

On the Hawks side, a surprise as the little birds circling Martin Havlát's head have apparently disappeared in time for him to play...Dustin Byfuglien's playoff 'fro is also good to go

Still scary-looking ex-Wing / ex-Hawk Bob Probert steps out to drop the ceremonial puck between Jonathan Toews and the dressed Chris Chelios...Probert, of course, a former teammate of Cheli's grandson in junior...Probert to Toews: "Kick their ass" - he's still got it

During the anthem, a crowd shot reveals Stan Mikita to be wearing a very, very ugly jacket

1st Period

Cristobal Huet back in net for the Hawks...Hughson selects "Yoo-ay" from the "101 Ways To Pronounce Huet" book provided to every NHL broadcaster...Havlát is in the starting line-up...hmm, surely an NHL team wouldn't let a player with a concussion lace them up (ahem), so he must be OK...Simpson is "amazed" that he's playing

Very slow start to the game, lots of offsides...Kronwall is predictably booed as he carries the puck...a brief skirmish between Havlát and Franzén - Havlát doesn't seem to be shying away from any contact so far

Byfuglien draws a holding penalty on Zetterberg behind the net...you've seen those called a hook on Byfuglien before...on cue, CBC shows the call on Bolland from Game 3 where Zetterberg appeared to grab Bolland's stick

On the powerplay, a point shot cracks the glass behind Osgood...the Ice Girls in Chicago are portly, middle-aged men with beards?...Barker hits the post

GOAL 1-0 Wings (8:41)...SHG by Hossa...nicely played 2-on-1 break between Filppula and Hossa as nobody covered Brian Campbell at the point as he went in deep...Hossa's shot just squeezed past Yoo-ay...Hawks are 5-2 in the playoffs when their opponent scores first, so no big deal, right?

Horrible giveaway by Kane in his own zone during some 4-on-4 play...he gets away with it...Påhlsson takes a roughing penalty in front of Osgood..."What for?" he shouts at the ref - hmm Sami, maybe that would be for the sneaky arm to the head of an unsuspecting Filppula...several good stops by Yoo-ay on the PK help kill off the penalty

Påhlsson, Byfuglien and Holmström skirmish a little on the way to the benches...2 each for Byfuglien and Holmström...Osgood makes a couple of big saves - on a Toews rush and the follow-up chance from Campbell

GOAL 2-0 (19:39)...playoff goal-machine Franzén pots another one...a screened shot through the defenseman's legs from the off-wing is missed by Yoo-ay...the proverbial "bad time" for the Hawks to concede a goal (they were clearly hoping to concede much, much earlier in the period)

Kronwall almost catches Kane with his head down as the period expires...Kane just saw him coming and avoided Havlát's fate

1st Intermission

Cheli Watch - only 1:08 played in that period...not a huge amount of 5-on-5 play in which to get him out there, but Jeremy Roenick must be screaming at his TV

Scott Morrison provides some breaking news on the Lidström injury...it happened in Game 3, it's lower body, he's day-to-day...thanks - where would the fans be without that dramatic piece of information? Very helpful

2nd Period

As we return, Joel Quenneville is marginally upset on discovering the Hawks will start the period on the PK...an amusing rant, probably even more entertaining to the lip-reading community

GOAL 3-0 (1:13)...Filppula scores a PPG...he puts away a rebound of a Hossa shot, easy finish (Finnish)...Filppula and Hossa are certainly stepping up their games in Datsyuk's absence today...Hughson comments on the deflation in the home crowd: "It sounds like two years ago"

GOAL 3-1 (3:53)...PPG by Toews after Lebda took a penalty for putting the puck over the glass...a rebound of a Barker point shot...will the Wings' weak PK (a PPG conceded in 12 straight games now) eventually hurt them at some point in these playoffs?...Simpson: "A bad penalty leads to a goal 90% of the time"...really, Craig? Sounds a bit on the high side, but then I don't have the actual numbers in front of me...some hope for the Hawks and the crowd?

GOAL 4-1 (4:05)...that would be a "no" then...Hossa nets his second of the game almost straight away...a nice goal coming down the right wing...another point to Filppula as well...it's suddenly 2007 in Chicago again

Yoo-ay is out, Corey Crawford is put in...not a great performance by the rusty Yoo-ay, but the Hawks have been very flat...Leino draws two penalties on one play, so a two-minute 5-on-3 is on the way for the Wings...safe to say that things aren't going too well for the Hawks right now

GOAL 5-1 (7:42)...Zetterberg scores on the 5-on-3 PP...he deposits a backhand from the side of the net...tough start for Crawford...neither Walker nor Versteeg in the box appear too keen to come out

Crawford gets better acquainted with the rear end of Detroit's #96 on the remainder of the PP...Versteeg comes out of the box and heads right back there for roughing...a bit of a weak one there, but Keith gets away with a cross-check on Franzén at the same time

Nothing more interesting than the second half of a game that has become a blowout so early, eh?...Simpson notes that Havlát has not played for a while...gotta admire the courage of a player to come out and play after a hit like he took, but it just smells like a mistake - you're risking a hell of a lot (long-term health and big free agent money for a start) if you really did suffer a head injury...Havlát still on the bench though, so maybe he's OK

Very little going on at all in the last 10 minutes of the period...a Franzén half-break comes to nothing as Toews is allowed a few free whacks at him to slow him down...the 3rd period could take a while with all the scrums and message sending that is likely to go on

2nd Intermission

Cheli Watch - only 40 seconds of ice-time for Chris that period...JR writes a strongly-worded letter to Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper

CBC host, Scott Oake tells us that Mike Babcock wasn't aware of Lidström's injury until he was in the cab on the way to today's game (so, the driver knew?)...he speculates that it may not, therefore, be a "body injury"...not sure what that could mean - Out with hurt feelings? A broken aura?...given a second viewing, Mikita's jacket is still not good...did he lose a bet with Don Cherry?

3rd Period

News from the goalie carousel...Ty Conklin is between the pipes for the Wings now, while Yoo-ay is back for the Hawks...has Mike Keenan found a new job already without anyone noticing?

Kane draws a soft cross-check call on Hossa...quickly evened up by a similar call on Bolland...Holmström accidentally steps on Seabrook's foot/ankle...Seabrook goes off hurt, but it doesn't look serious...the Hawks seem to be lucky with these skate incidents, following Burish's escape in Game 1...another penalty drawn by Leino - an elbow to the back of the head by Keith...Eager is also gone, taking his second 10-minute misconduct of the game

Jimmy Howard, come on down!...he takes a seat on the bench for the rest of the period...is Osgood hurt or is he just playing dominoes with Chelios in the dressing room?...Mike Vernon and Tony Esposito are said to be warming up "just in case"...Brouwer is called for a trip on Hossa

GOAL 6-1 (12:47)...PPG for Zetterberg, his second tally of the game...another rebound from a point shot...Simpson points out the nice job of Zetterberg kicking the puck onto his stick before putting it home (these sissy Euros with their sissy soccer skills)...the Hawks are totally lifeless now

Filppula hooks "Soupy" Campbell in the corner...Simpson makes a gratuitous (but seemingly unintentional) "can opener" reference on looking at the replay...Versteeg takes another 10-minute misconduct during the PP...perhaps he wanted to join the Chelios/Osgood/Eager dominoes tourney

Chelios hits the ice!...an immediate TV timeout means the old guy gets another 45 seconds to get his joints loose...CBC show what appears to be a non-too-friendly discussion between Babcock and Chelios from the end of the 2nd period...interesting...the game drifts to a conclusion, with one final scrum on the buzzer...FINAL SCORE 6-1 WINGS

Summary

A pretty disappointing game to watch as the Hawks just didn't show up, but some impressive performances from the Wings all the same...so far, the Conference Finals have been a bit of a let down for the neutral fan, following the events of the first two rounds...the depth of the Wings clearly showed in this game, while the Hawks struggled without much input from Havlát and, in particular, Kane...who will be in goal for the teams in Game 5?

Cheli Watch - he ends up just playing 4:37, most of that in garbage time...he did draw four minutes of penalties on Burish at the final buzzer (Attacking a pensioner? You should be ashamed, Adam)...JR chains himself to Don Cherry's wardrobe

The NHL Dictionary

[Explanatory note: Another semi-irregular feature of mine from NHL Connect - not involving stats! This entry is the full collection, scavenged from my own work and a few (much worse) offerings from fellow contributors - with credits, obviously...]

Looking for highbrow hockey entertainment?

Then you're probably in the wrong place. Inspired by this, I thought I would work on some NHL entries (your average ESPN writer not knowing what the NHL is).

The concept - take any word or phrase from the dictionary, add/subtract/change one letter, supply new definition.

Result - literally minutes of fun and lots of angry Pens fans with no sense of humour.

Anthem zinger - witty, one-syllable retort to rendition of "Star Spangled Banner" in Montreal

Antonement – an act of penance for one’s sins consisting of stepping in the way of really fast moving hard rubber objects [courtesy of JonathanA]

Ballard - wild duck, as in manoeuvre performed by goalies in Florida to avoid stick-swinging team-mates

Birksome - irritating and annoying (particularly to counterpart in Edmonton)

Boman Empire - extremely powerful and successful dynasty at its strongest in the 1970s to 1990s, led by sometimes fearsome ruler, its domain stretching into Quebec, western New York, Pennsylvania and Michigan

Bongoing - used to describe continuous, uninterrupted and tireless nature of Russian fighting technique due to complete lack of violence involved

Boogey - to sign for something higher than it was supposed to take, typically achieved while on golf course

Brash landing - to fall to earth under abnormal circumstances, often after an illegally violent collision, in such a way that damage is unavoidable

Brind’Amourn – to grieve over the slow death of an NHL career

Broad Street Pullies - simple machinery designed to raise Stanley Cup banners in Philadelphia, now obsolete

Brutherhood - organisation or fraternity displaying loyalty to its members through frequent reunions

Carbo dating - determination of the approximate lifespan of French-Canadian coaches through tests of chemistry

Carcilogen - dangerous substance or agent that tends to cause invasive and destructive disease

Carnivoros - characterised by destructive or predatory behaviour, exhibited by players having the fortune to face the Rangers' #34 in a fight

Chelicopter - machine developed in the early 20th century featuring dangerous swirling blades

Cherry ticker - intangible quality known as "heart" exclusive to players from Ontario and Western Canada, enabling them to reach heights not attainable by those from elsewhere

Common zdenominator - a trait or characteristic shared by all members of a group, e.g. all NHL defensemen being 6'9" Slovakians with 105mph slapshots

Crosby Show - the most-watched television show on Sunday afternoons on NBC [courtesy of JonathanA]

Defense corpse - expired blueline component that is no longer viable or useful other than to open and close doors in Detroit

Demonsterate - to present by experiments, examples or practical application that a terrible defense does not help the statistics of Swedish rookie goalies

Diss-Seminate - to spread criticism of league golden-boy to a lot of people (and to subsequently blame on mis-translation)

Don Voyage – phrase used to wish Europe-bound players a pleasant journey [courtesy of Ellie]

DPleted - 15-year long shortfall in goaltending resources caused by repeated injury

First round daft pick - annual selection of top amateur prospect by the New York Rangers

Gabdomen - lower part of Slovakian's body, frequently broken

Get the prong end of the stick - to not understand a situation correctly, typically a mistaken sense of entitlement to possession of puck or proximity to goal, with painful consequences

Habscess - painful swelling of All-Star ballot boxes

Hall of Flame - corridor outside Mike Keenan's office where star players wait before being told exactly how great they really are

Honky Bonk - lower-class bar of ill-repute with Czech theme found exclusively in Nashville, TN

Hosstage - someone taken prisoner by an enemy, possibly lured in by lucrative one-year contract

Hull something over - to think carefully about something for a few seconds before offering an opinion

Hulloween - popular Midwestern holiday during which children wear blond wigs and ride invisible jets through the neighborhood [courtesy of spain2323]

Iggyback - to carry Western Canadian franchise on the shoulders

Inaugeration - formal induction of a player in the official bad books of all NHL officials

Kab fare - the cost of being taken for a ride by a driver who provides endless running commentary, promising to take you away from your current location but ending up going round in circles

Kane - used to provide support and mobility to older people

Kazakh-tan - browning of Eastern Conference goalies’ necks caused by repeated exposure to red light turned on by #80

Keenage - years of life typically involving frequent arguments with authority figure

Kessellation - identical pieces fitting together exactly, e.g. the 2nd overall pick in 2010 fitting together with the 2nd overall pick in 2011 in a future line-up

Kovenant - a formal agreement of only temporary legal validity

Lemonwade - sold to make money in the summer months; often leaves sour taste in mouth

Locker doom - the sense of abject misery felt by a player who takes a penalty in the fourth OT, dropping his team from the playoffs [courtesy of sportsfanattic]

Loudicrousness - unreasonable and ridiculous activity, such as firing coaches 10 minutes before the playoffs start

Lowe expectations – the willingness to pay people quite a lot of money to do very little [courtesy of JonathanA]

Make It Steven - media campaign instigated by Jim Balsillie, designed to promote the repatriation of Mr Stamkos to southern Ontario from the hands of evil sun-belt franchise

Malkontent - a person who is not satisfied with the way things are, so flees the country for better paid job elsewhere

Manificent - having a quality of near godlike proportions when applied to the facial hair of certain members of the National Hockey League [courtesy of Thorn058]

Mannyquin - life-size but statuesque representation of the human body used to display clothing in Peoria, IL

Maragolds – to protect, a barrier; will disintegrate in Lemonwade [courtesy of Ellie]

Maximeize - to increase to the greatest possible amount or degree Penguins' fans blind, devoted enmity towards an opposing player

Mexpansion - secret NHL plan to create a new team outside the southern American border well before it ever the hell considers one outside the northern one

Missing In Zaction - All-Star player whose status is unknown due to covert nature of his organisation

Neutral Zone Crap - in-game bathroom break favoured by spectators when New Jersey or Minnesota hold a 1-0 lead

Nyetminder – goaltender forced into KHL exile due to negative responses from NHL GMs (see Emery, R., Grahame, J.)

Oiler room - busy centre of activity, often selling questionable goods using unfair, dishonest sales tactics (see Poti, Tom)

Ollipop – suck it and see acquisition [courtesy of Ellie]

Orrdained - staged fight in New York Rangers game

Out of tocket - having suffered a financial loss through poor gambling advice

Over-rayte – an optical illusion in which persons of dubious skill are seen to be star players, often attributed to their dazzling, colourful plumage [courtesy of JonathanA]

Ovierreaction - 1. Player reacting to a goal with inappropriate emotional behaviour; 2. Media personality reacting with inappropriate emotional behaviour to someone reacting to a goal

Ozone player - forward with tendency to eschew backchecking; now severely depleted through overuse of CFCs (control-freak coaches)

Panger management - a system of psychological therapeutic techniques and exercises by which former NHL executive with excessive or uncontrollable anger can be controlled by his diminutive and bald fellow NBC analyst during intermission segments

Payn threshold - the upper limit of John Davidson's tolerance for Andy Murray's coaching

Penalty minuets - guys who drop the gloves but don’t really want to fight [courtesy of john_mcgourty]

Potivate - to stimulate towards positive action through repeated booing and abuse

Pred Herring - idea or subject introduced by NHL commissioner in deliberate attempt to divert attention away from struggling franchises

Powderplay - (e.g. Rangers) man-advantage setup, seemingly solid but consisting of small pieces, as a whole soft and easy to push around

Reddline - to discriminate against by refusing to make significant financial commitment to, as practiced by 29 NHL GMs

Redd line - stationary marker on a hockey rink, not featuring in the offensive and defensive zones

Ronvict – imprisoned in repetitive anti-Euro dialogue [courtesy of Ellie]

Salei of the Century - game show featuring Ken Holland's ongoing attempts to construct a defense pairing with a combined age under 100

Sathematics - the study of numbers, such as counting to 56.7 million as quickly and inefficiently as possible

Seven-year Hitch - revitalising liaison with person (often a large male) prompted by dissatisfaction with long, fruitless relationship with the golf course

Shark back - to reminisce about a previous point in time, often in a way that annoys people (see Lemieux, C.)

Sheroism – courageous action, such as replacing Marian Hossa with Ruslan Fedotenko

Sidnight - slang term describing the 12 o'clock position frequently adopted by referees' arms in Pittsburgh

Sno-brainer - anything requiring little thought or effort, such as deciding who to pick #1 overall in the 2009 Draft

Staaled – brought to a standstill or to have progress checked, e.g. failing to live up to career year in sophomore season

Sundecided - when a decision or judgement has not yet been made (e.g. if to play, where, when and for how much)

Sutter somebody up - to be surly or unfriendly to someone, so that they will do what you want them to do

Tamparing - making damaging changes to something which you should not, usually without enough knowledge of how it works

Thrash can - repository for disposal of the unwanted waste of NHL teams

Tortify - to cause to experience shame or humiliation of a person by compelling them to sit alone on a bench for long periods

Twinkle Toews - nickname given to one who is light on his feet and able to easily flit to and fro without impediment [courtesy of spain2323]

Unsavery - unpleasant or morally offensive (e.g. making derogatory comments about ex-girlfriends)

Vinnuendo - a remote allusion or reference to "equipment" of Tampa Bay captain

War broom - implement used by NHL Hockey Operations department to sweep controversy under the carpet

Ysermon - exhortation on seemingly trivial issue, such as minor league trade or signing of free agent fourth-line grinder, delivered by higher power and re-told by enraptured Canadian media