Springing Malik

9 October 2011

NHL Premiere 2011 in Stockholm

My usual précis (French word, meaning "list compiled by lazy writer unable, unwlling to construct paragraphs") of the NHL's latest Europansy expedition, following on from my attendance at games in Stockholm in 2009 and Prague last year. This year, a team I'm actually bothered about!

New York Rangers 2-3 (OT) Los Angeles Kings, 7 October 2011

What is Swedish for "Far too many Crosby jerseys?"
In contrast to the policies put in place by the draconian concourse police in Prague, again I am actually free to enter the lower bowl during warmups without creating a major security crisis.
Unlike last time in Stockholm, there is no game night presentation to speak of and no sign of the internationally acclaimed Bullet or Backyard Babies to provide live music pre-game, presumably victims of the European financial crisis. A scheduling clash with his Unicef humanitarian endeavours in a foreign land again robs us of an appearance from Scandic beats colossus, Basshunter.
An wholly unreasonable 100kr once more secures me (suckers me?) a match(es) programme, once more almost entirely in Swedish, bar what will stay unread forewords from the charasmatic Messrs Bettman and Fehr.
Despite the language barrier, I'm fully on board with the sentiments of the Canadiens' season preview:
For the player introductions, large crowd reactions for Henrik Lundqvist, Tim Erixon and Mats Zuccarello-Aasen on the Rangers side, only really anything for former SEL player, Anže Kopitar for the Kings.
Notionally a Kings home game in the record books, but despite the presence of the team mascot, the Rangers' P.A. announcer and a significant disparity in fans make it sound otherwise. There are even a couple of half-hearted airings of the "Potvin sucks" chant.
Among the crowd and featured on the big screen at various points: Mats Sundin (similar ovation to two years ago), Markus Näslund (similar strangely disinterested expression as two years ago), Ulf "Reason why Potvin sucks" Nilsson, Kent Nilsson, Anders Hedberg and Mattias Norström.
As far as the game goes...the Kings dominate the first period completely but the Rangers somehow escape at 1-1, mostly thanks to Lundqvist. Kopitar, the best skater all game, scores off a Callahan giveaway ending up with roughly 27 Rangers face down on the ice, our glorious leader tying it up from a bad angle.
Marián Gáborík shovels one home in the third at the end of a great shift by Brad Richards, earning him an assist and already the title of most successful UFA signing in franchise history.
As is customary, NHL Commissioner of Respect and V.P. of Public Sobriety, Mike Richards scores against the Rangers to tie it up late, mostly thanks to Michael Del Zotto failing to tie him up late.
Ryan McDonagh takes a slightly careless offensive zone penalty in OT, with more than a little help from a world class dive from Willie Mitchell, whose leg functionality is somehow directly and completely related to the muscles in his left shoulder. Jack Johnson scores the winner, Brandon Dubinsky and his obliterated stick express mild consternation at the referee's penalty call. Meh.

New York Rangers 1-2 (SO) Anaheim Ducks, 8 October 2011

A more visible and audible block of Ducks fans in attendance than was seen from the Kings contingent, but still a heavily blue colour to the crowd.
Clear from the player introductions that even Swedes like Teemu Selanne.
After the Zambonis exit prior to the start and the teams line up for the anthems, from above, the wide expanse of gleaming white surface reflecting the house lights is always an impressive sight. Then Ryan Getzlaf puts his helmet back on and we're ready to go.
As well as some of the ex-players we saw yesterday, we see former Ranger Jan Erixon (father of current Ranger Tim Erixon, who is son of former Ranger, Jan Erixon), the bloke out of Roxette, who earns a surprisingly enthusiastic response, and the Swedish soccerball squadron, apparently fresh off a rivalry match-up against Findusland in the EuroSoccerPansy play-in tournament.
I'm sat a mere three rows behind the Swedish TV announcers, including Calle Johansson (Washington Capitals fans: Google "Calle Johansson").
As advertised, the Ducks top line of Andrew Cogliano, Andrew Gordon and veteran Devante Smith-Pelly prove tough to stop, Cogliano opening the scoring off a well-Emingerneered rush.
Getzlaf and Gáborík manage to upset each other off the play for some reason. One benefit of the relatively benign atmosphere in the arena is the unexpected ability to hear from the second tier Getzlaf call Gáborík a "pizza shed" (I think) across the benches.
Not much at all to note from a pretty useless game - nice to hear a couple of awesome Lundqvist saves elicit a big crowd response, but probably a sign that the game is going the wrong way.
Brad Richards saves a point late in the third after a quiet game, before opting to leave the puck at center ice for his SO attempt. The Ducks win in sudden death thanks to Bobby Ryan majorly whiffing on the puck, the change up beating Lundqvist.

18 September 2011

Burning Questions - Western Conference

Arriving unexpectedly within a week of the Eastern Conference preview - timing Matt Cooke would call "a damn hurry" - presenting...er, the Western Conference:

Anaheim Ducks
Why is there all this talk about the anticipation over the long-awaited return of the veteran winger with the $4m cap hit to the Canadian city where he was so beloved, when the schedule says that the Ducks and Jason Blake don't even play in Toronto this year?

Calgary Flames

Does the close proximity of the words "no movement clause" to the words "Curtis Glencross" elicit the same confusion in everyone else as it does with me?

Chicago Blackhawks

Will universally popular new recruit Dan Carcillo finally prove that he is not dumber than he looks in the only possible way - by tattooing "Nah, I looks dummah" on his forehead?

Colorado Avalanche

Might there be one or two flaws apparent in Greg Sherman's strategy of adding Shane O'Brien to Ryan O'Reilly and Ryan O'Byrne in the hope of making the Colorad O'Avalanche the most attractive destination when much-coveted Irish sniper, Alex O'Vechkin, hits free agency in 2021?

Columbus Blue Jackets

Will James Wisniewski seize the opportunity to be a #1 defenseman, or will he blow it?

Dallas Stars

Will the suffering of the fans through an almost-inevitable non-playoff season be compensated to some degree by the optimism given by the bushel of prospects and picks acquired in the Brad Richards trade at last year's deadline?

Detroit Red Wings

Is Mike Commodore's sentiment in not cheapening the game by associating his jersey with a consumer electronics brand shared by newly-named team-mate Jakub Kindle?

Edmonton Oilers

OMG RNH > MPS LOL WTF?

Los Angeles Kings

Is the Drew Doughty contract impasse due to Dean Lombardi's unwillingness to pay him more than Anže Kopitar or his nagging doubt that Mike Richards' offer to take him to a Christian book reading evening to celebrate the eventual contract signing isn't all that it seems?

Minnesota Wild

Can we assume this was the trade to a non-contending, cold-climate NW Division team that Dany Heatley has been looking for his whole career?

Nashville Predators

Should the NHL fear another lockout when Brian Burke relents and accepts Ryan Ellis as a sweetener for having to take on Shea Weber's contract in exchange for Jay Rosehill, Joey Crabb and a napkin autographed by Lonny Bohonos?

Phoenix Coyotes

By replacing Ilya Bryzgalov with Mike Smith, can we expect reports on the Coyotes to feature the phrase "huge losses" even more than normal?

San Jose Sharks

Can Doug Wilson continue to pry the most successful parts out of the Minnesota franchise by acquiring the rights to Jacques Lemaire and the year 2003?

St. Louis Blues

Does Nikita Nikitin possess the best smoking-related name in the NHL since Zdeno Ciger?

Vancouver Canucks

What will the fans' reception be like at the home opener, when the team shows up there for the first time since Game Five of the Cup Final?

13 September 2011

Burning Questions - Eastern Conference

The month of September means it's Burning Questions time in the NHL (except for Vancouver fans, where questions about burning stuff get asked in June). So, here is the Eastern Conference - with a guarantee that somewhere less than 100% of last year's material has been re-used.

(Publishing note: As is customary, due to time-zone differences, the Western Conference equivalent will likely not follow for another 2-3 months.)

Atlanta Thrashers

How is the season ticket drive going?

Boston Bruins

Is Brad Marchand hampering his chances of being signed before training camp by his insistence on repeatedly punching Peter Chiarelli in the face during contract negotiations?

Buffalo Sabres

Will Terry Pegula be forced to hire more personal security staff to deal with the daily onslaught of individuals wanting to shake his hand and express their overwhelming joy about his ownership of the team, or will Ville Leino and Christian Ehrhoff eventually leave him alone?

Carolina Hurricanes

Will the notoriously potty-mouthed Paul Maurice be able to find a more acceptable way of shouting Justin Faulk's name on the bench if he makes the team?

"FAULK, OFF!"

Florida Panthers

Will Matt Bradley have a higher opinion of Alexander Semin's playoff production once he discovers every one of his new teammates suffers a 100% drop off in scoring after the regular season ends?

Montreal Canadiens

After closing their case against Zdeno Chara's size, will the local police find something more worthy of investigation, such as the theft of $51.5m by Scott Gomez?

New Jersey Devils

What are the chances coach DeBoer misinterprets Marty Brodeur's usual request to "put mousse in the goal every night"?

New York Islanders

In the unlikely event of Trevor Gillies missing 19 games through suspension again, which player(s) will seize the opportunity to make up the deficit of 38 seconds of aggregate ice-time?

New York Rangers

Is the start of the multi-million dollar renovation of Madison Square Garden connected in any way to Bruce Boudreau's complaints about the building during the playoffs, or was the Dunkin' Donuts stand integrated into the away bench in the original construction plans?

Ottawa Senators

Is the holding of 20th anniversary season celebrations just an elaborate ruse to ice a more competitive line-up by inviting members of the stellar 10-win team of 1992-93 back to Ottawa?

Philadelphia Flyers

Will ECHL 2nd Team All-Star Michael Leighton make his season debut in Game One or Game Two of the Flyers first round playoff series?

Pittsburgh Penguins

Will the headaches, nausea and irritability eventually subside, or will I still be subjected to Steigerwald and Errey broadcasting on far too many occasions?

Tampa Bay Lightning

Can evil genius Guy Boucher again create the illusion that Dwayne Roloson is a dominant NHL goalie in the second half of the season by playing the entire first half of the season with five sheets of slightly damp toilet paper dangling from the crossbar instead?

Toronto Maple Leafs

Should fans be worried by Brian Burke's comment that iron-man Tim Connolly is "going to get new legs" in Toronto, given the historical lack of success for amputees at the NHL level?

Washington Capitals

During games against the Islanders, will Tomáš Vokoun attempt to distract Evgeni Nabokov by burning ~~$50~~ $10 bills in front of him?

Winnipeg Jets

Does the franchise risk tarnishing its proud association with the military by promising Dustin Byfuglien a test-drive in a nuclear submarine?

28 May 2011

Stanley Cup Final 2011: A Viewer's Guide

So your team has (yet again) not made it as far as the Stanley Cup Final? So jaded by the long grind of playoff hockey that you can't summon the energy to write an intro different to the one you used last year?

If you have nothing better to do, why not use my viewer's guide? Score along at home during the series and if you break 30 points, a multi-million dollar prize will head your way. At least that's what Chris Drury and Shawn Horcoff told me...

(I accept no responsibility for the consequences if you instead turn this into a drinking game. Watching a few playoff games is no excuse for drunken debauchery. At least that's what the Montreal Police Department told me...)

Man in garish, fluorescent green outfit performing tired, attention-seeking act next to road team penalty box during game (2 pts)

Man in garish, fluorescent green outfit performing tired, attention-seeking act next to Ron MacLean during Coach's Corner segment (1 pt)

Versus or NBC displaying on-screen graphic to illustrate where Canada is (5 pts)

Versus or NBC displaying on-screen graphic to illustrate where Sidney Crosby is (10 pts)

Denis Leary dropping F-bomb accidentally-on-purpose during mid-game interview with rink-side reporter (6 pts)

Mike Emrick failing to mention which US college was attended by Ryan Kesler, Jeff Tambellini, Chris Higgins, Rich Peverley, Tim Thomas, the goal judge, his hotel receptionist etc... (8 million pts)

Eddie Olczyk's forced chuckle (2 pts)

"Good active stick" (-5 pts)

Jeremy Roenick clearly articulating a thoughtful, rational point during post-game coverage (100 pts)

Jeremy Roenick scribbling "JR needs a wee wee" using his virtual crayons during post-game coverage (40 pts)

Each CBC shot of Bruins President of Looking Angry in Executive Boxes, Cam Neely (1 pt)

Each CBC shot of Maple Leafs President of Looking Angry in Executive Boxes Even Though My Team Isn't Taking Part, Brian Burke (0.1 pts)

Tom Brady watching the game while holding a goat (7 pts)

Funny looking bald guy shouting and getting up close to Bruins players during timeout (10 pts)

Claude Julien struggling to muscle past Pierre McGuire and/or Darren Pang to diagram a play for Bruins players during timeout (20 pts)

Coach Julien is not usually happy to be interviewed during the game

Adrien Plavsic (0 pts)

Jim Hughson or Mike Emrick calling the winning goal in OT to clinch the 2011 Stanley Cup (1 pt)

Jim Hughson or Mike Emrick finally calling the winning goal in OT to clinch the 2010 Stanley Cup (88 pts)

Andrew Ference raising the Cup over his head in triumph (5 pts)

Andrew Ference lowering his pants around his ankles in triumph (15 pts)

After the final game, Mark Recchi immediately bringing the end to a long, dinstinguished career, by announcing the retirement of the patch of hair above his forehead (43 pts)

26 May 2011

Throwing games in the NHL

[If the title led you to believe this would be an analysis of the team-building strategy of the Pittsburgh Penguins, I apologise. It's not.]

The aftermath of the post-game torrent of giveaway paddles/clappers/rally drums launched by Tampa Bay fans onto the playing surface - and ever so accidentally in the general vicinity of one or two Boston Bruins players - last night has brought with it the usual furious, yet measured and consistent, response from NHL HQ today.

The Lightning organisation and the retaliating Nathan Horton have both been left reeling from the respective heavy fine and suspension laid down by the league.

Far from being rare, of course there have been many instances of unusual objects being discarded onto the ice at hockey arenas over the years. Here is just a small selection:

Octopi

As every hockey fan knows, Detroit Red Wings fans have been lobbing octopi on the ice during the playoffs since the 1950s, the eight arms originally signifying the number of wins necessary to win the Stanley Cup. Recently the NHL has begun to frown upon the ritual, a crackdown on eight animal limbs hitting the playing surface first instituted by Colin Campbell in response to Sean Avery spilling the contents of Martin Brodeur's KFC bargain bucket during the 2008 playoffs.

A wooden bench

In January 2000, irate at a missed call, New Jersey Devils coach Robbie Ftorek opted to throw part of the team bench onto the ice. The Devils' well-established run-and-gun system allowed the bench to seamlessly fit in on a line with John Madden and Jay Pandolfo, chalking up a creditable +12 rating over the balance of the season, before signing a lucrative but ultimately disastrous free agent deal with the New York Rangers that summer.

Plastic rats

In one of several short-lived crazes aping Detroit's octupus tossing, during one of their team's regular marches to the Stanley Cup Final in 1996, Florida Panthers fans took to littering the ice with plastic rats whenever the Panthers scored, apparently instigated by the story of Scott Mellanby killing a (real) rat in the dressing room. The practice is also thought to have inspired the recent throwing of plastic dogs after every Michael Vick touchdown in Philadelphia.

Confetti

The Vancouver Canucks faced criticism this week for allowing confetti to be showered onto the ice after clinching the Western Conference championship, the sight of players consequently being forced to skate very slowly to avoid injury only bringing back bad memories of Mats Sundin's time in the city.

Waffles

After famously throwing waffles onto the Air Canada Centre ice to express his displeasure at the Toronto Maple Leafs' loss to the Atlanta Thrashers earlier this season, die-hard fan Joe Robb avoided criminal charges but was forced to carry out five hours of community service and is now banned from ever again watching the Atlanta Thrashers play at Air Canada Centre.

Rubber snake

Following an internet-led campaign, a Keith Yandle goal in a 2010 playoff game against Detroit resulted in one Phoenix Coyotes fan flinging a rubber snake onto the ice. Originally believed to be motivated as a riposte to the Red Wings' octopus tradition, it later emerged that the sacrifice of a hairless, predatory and cold-blooded object merely symbolised the rejection of Jim Balsillie's as the team's potential owner.

Hats

The throwing of hats on the ice after a player scores a hat-trick goal has long been embraced by players and fans alike, a tradition only threatened by league spokesman Sidney Crosby's complaints during a 2009 playoff game about the sheer volume of hats being thrown in his direction by the Capitals' Dave Steckel.

A glove

In the final minute of a tied December 2008 game between the Philadelphia Flyers and Tampa Bay Lightning, popular Flyers forward Scott Hartnell attempted to thwart a breakaway by Ryan Malone by throwing his glove towards the Lightning player, resulting in a penalty shot being awarded and missed, thus astonishing Flyers fans under the age of 40, who had never before seen the glove of a Flyers player prevent a goal.

Tennis balls

The annual college match-up between Dartmouth and Princeton includes the ritual of Dartmouth fans hurling tennis balls onto the ice after their team's first goal of the game. The continuation of that tradition at Madison Square Garden for each goal scored by star New York Rangers forward and Dartmouth alum, Hugh Jessiman, is believed to have extinguished the entire stock of tennis balls in Manhattan.

2 May 2011

NHL Awards - meet the contenders

Somewhat lost in the excitement of the playoffs over the last couple of weeks have been the announcements about the nominees for the various NHL awards (those that are voted on).

Once again, these are to be handed out in a ~~faintly embarrassing~~ lavish ceremony in Las Vegas in June attended by ~~whoever comes up first on Bettman's "Best Rock of the 80s" iPod playlist~~ some of the entertainment industry's biggest names and ~~Eric Weinrich and Darcy Wakaluk~~ many legends of the game.

Here is a quick rundown of the main awards and those in the running:

Hart Memorial Trophy

Supposed to be awarded to: The player adjudged most valuable to his team
In practice, normally awarded to: The player with the most points and/or who happened to get hot in the last month of the season

Corey Perry (Anaheim)
Aiming to become the first MVP since Bobby Clarke in 1975/76 to rack up 100 penalty minutes in the season, thus creating the instant quiz question: "How the hell did Chris Pronger go a season without getting 100 penalty minutes?"

Daniel Sedin (Vancouver)
There is simply no other player like him.

Martin St. Louis (Tampa Bay)
Put the team on his shoulders and carried them, the team promising to return the favour during a planned off-season trip to Disneyland.

James Norris Memorial Trophy

Supposed to be awarded to: The defense player who demonstrates throughout the season the greatest all-round ability in the position
In practice, normally awarded to: Nicklas Lidstrom

Zdeno Chara (Boston)
Neutralised the offense of Max Pacioretty and Ryan Callahan more effectively than any other player in the league could manage.

Nicklas Lidstrom (Detroit)
Continued to defy conventional wisdom by putting up the first minus season of his career despite playing much less often in front of Chris Osgood.

Shea Weber (Nashville)
First Norris Trophy nomination for a player with an Irish name since Sandis O'Zolinsh in 1997.

Vezina Trophy

Supposed to be awarded to: The goaltender who is adjudged to be the best at this position
In practice, normally awarded to: The goaltender who is adjudged to be at least as good as Jim Carey and Jose Theodore turned out to be

Roberto Luongo (Vancouver)
Strong performance attributed to playing 12 inches deeper in his crease and Dustin Byfuglien playing 600 miles deeper in the Eastern Conference.

Pekka Rinne (Nashville)
Hoping to become the first Finnish goalie to pick up some hardware since Brian Burke sent Vesa Toskala to Canadian Tire to collect his new lawnmower.

Tim Thomas (Boston)
Rewarded for breaking Dominik Hasek's long-standing NHL record for most saves made while looking like an inebriated octopus playing Twister.

Calder Memorial Trophy

Supposed to be awarded to: The player selected as the most proficient in his first year of competition in the National Hockey League
In practice, normally awarded to: The player selected as the most proficient in what might be his third year of competition in the National Hockey League after what might be no or several years of competition in another professional league

Logan Couture (San Jose)
Consistent scorer over the long NHL season after being a less consistent scorer over the 40 NHL games he played last year.

Michael Grabner (New York Islanders)
Impending impressive season and his many suitors triggered Dale Tallon to start the Panthers' annual fire sale before Game #1.

Jeff Skinner (Carolina)
Highly promising rookie campaign means Jim Rutherford will surely look to re-acquire his services from other teams three or four times over his career.

Frank J. Selke Trophy

Supposed to be awarded to: The forward who best excels in the defensive aspects of the game
In practice, normally awarded to: The forward who best excels in the defensive aspects of the game while having the offensive ability to score at least 50 points

Pavel Datsyuk (Detroit)
Incredibly, was not on the ice for a single goal conceded by the Wings during any of the 26 games he missed through injury.

Ryan Kesler (Vancouver)
Strong in all the areas the voters look for in determining the best defensive forward, most importantly in scoring a lot more goals than last year.

Jonathan Toews (Chicago)
Credited with significantly reducing the Hawks' goals against over the course of the season due to his suggestion to the coaching staff that Marty Turco should maybe start fewer games.

Bill Masterton Memorial Trophy

Supposed to be awarded to: The player who best exemplifies the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship and dedication to hockey
In practice, normally awarded to: The player who missed the most games through injury the season before

Ray Emery (Anaheim)
Despite showing up for his first practice a personal best four months late, beat enormously long odds to become the more sympathetic character of the Ducks' goalie tandem alongside Dan Ellis.

Daymond Langkow (Calgary)
Displayed remarkable commitment, bolstering Calgary's lack of depth at center during his 78-game absence by matching Matt Stajan's production.

Ian Laperriere (Philadelphia)
Showed huge determination in his personal quest to prove that the Masterton Award is not a "Comeback Player" award by not coming back at all.

Lady Byng Memorial Trophy

Supposed to be awarded to: The player adjudged to have exhibited the best type of sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct combined with a high standard of playing ability
In practice, normally awarded to: The player adjudged to have had the fewest penalty minutes when the voters quickly skim down the list of top 20 scorers five minutes before the deadline to send in their ballot

Loui Eriksson (Dallas)
Only 8 penalty minutes for the Swedish forward, meaning he only lost patience and speared Steve Ott once every 20 games.

Nicklas Lidstrom (Detroit)
Six-time winner, perennial All-Star and future Hall of Famer demonstrated admirable restraint by not throttling Versus reporters referring to him as Nicholas Lindstrom at the All-Star Game.

Martin St. Louis (Tampa Bay)
Voters were apparently convinced by his claims that he had nothing to do with Guy Boucher's scar.

Jack Adams Award

Supposed to be awarded to: The coach adjudged to have contributed the most to his team's success
In practice, normally awarded to: The coach adjudged to have coached a team to a position somewhere between 5th and 8th in the conference

Dan Bylsma (Pittsburgh)
Led the league in the all-important media-friendly statistical category of Most Appearances in High-Profile Documentary While Swearing Fewer Times Than Bruce Boudreau.

Barry Trotz (Nashville)
Steered an offensively-challenged line-up to a playoff berth and calmly handled controversial mid-season addition of Randy Moss.

Alain Vigneault (Vancouver)
Coached his team to a 54-19-9 record in undoubtedly one of the American Hockey League's strongest divisions.

General Manager of the Year Award

Supposed to be awarded to: Brian Burke
In practice, normally awarded to: The top National Hockey League General Manager

Mike Gillis (Vancouver)
Backed his belief that extra goalscoring was not necessary for his team by acquiring the likes of Dan Hamhuis, Keith Ballard and Chris Higgins.

David Poile (Nashville)
Veteran GM has refused to waver in his position that Coach Trotz's neck has never been on the block.

Steve Yzerman (Tampa Bay)
Earned high praise from the Canadian media for showing superb prowess in the areas of being Steve Yzerman, not being associated with the previous ownership and somehow managing to find a better goalie than Mike Smith.